The Kate Languages Podcast S1 Ep2 - Teacher Wellbeing and Burnout

CW: This blog post and podcast episode contain discussion of mental health, panic attacks and thoughts of self-harm.

Teacher Wellbeing and Burnout

This is my second ever podcast episode! It was quite a difficult one to record and was very candid, as I talked about my own burnout and how I recovered from it.

Here is the (abridged) transcript of the episode:

Talking about teacher wellbeing

This is something that (I'm not going to lie) I'm feeling a little bit nervous about doing, but it's something that's so important to me that I just wanted to record this episode fairly early on in the podcast.

I want to talk about teacher wellbeing. And as I say, it's something that is really, really important to me, very close to my heart, and something that I actually now spend a lot of my working life working on, really. So I'll talk a bit more about that in a bit.

I'm going to talk about why it's so important to me, what happened to me in my life a few years ago, and how I recovered, the tools I use, even now, regularly, most days, to help me with positive mental health. Hopefully you'll be able to get some ideas and some tools and things like that.

So, teacher well-being. All right, so the reason it's such an important topic for me is because a few years ago, I was a full-time class teacher and head of German, and I ended up leaving the classroom. That's the short story.

My own burnout - how, what, why...

The long story is that I suffered from, I think, what I would now call burnout. At the time, I thought it was a bit of a breakdown. I don't know if there's a difference between a breakdown and burnout. I'm not really sure. But yeah, let's call it burnout. So I suffered from basically, yeah, what I would consider to be burnout.

There were a few things that led up to this particular situation. I think it's one of these things that built up over years and years and years. And actually, when I was in my fourth year of teaching, I was also really struggling, very stressed. I lived in London at the time, and I quit my job and sold my flat and moved out of London. Then I did a master's degree and absolutely loved that. And then I went back into teaching.

The second school that I was working at, I was there for a few years, and then there were a few different things that led to me basically just not being able to continue teaching in the classroom anymore. One of the things was workload.
And I know that this is a huge issue for a lot of teachers. I mean, I'm based in England, but I don't think it is only in England that people are struggling with workload, teacher workload.

I think that I had unrealistic expectations of myself, of how many hours there were in the week and how many hours I could work. Like many teachers, I worked most evenings. I worked at weekends. My free periods were just completely jam-packed with preparation, marking. A lot of the time I spent my free periods dealing with other issues to do with my tutor group or other problems that arose and little fires that you have to put out here, there and everywhere. So actually, probably if I could have spent my free periods actually planning lessons and marking, I think the workload would have been a lot better.

And I've got to say, I had five or six free periods a week. So, you know, it should have been enough to be able to prepare and plan lessons. For an NQT, maybe not, but for somebody who was about 10 years into teaching by that point, I was perfectly capable of planning and preparing lessons in that time. But like I say, there's always something else going on, another little fire that needed to be put out.

I would often find myself working in the evenings and at weekends. And I don't think that's abnormal. I mean, I grew up with a teacher. My mum was a teacher, and I was aware that that was the kind of thing that you did. Teachers have always worked long hours. One thing my mum's always said, actually, that I find really interesting is that when she was teaching, she would teach her lessons, she had a lot of work, she did a lot of preparation, a lot of marking, things like that. But there was a culture of trust.

Something that changed throughout the time that I was teaching, and I do think this is something that really, really needs addressing, is that teachers don't feel trusted. The times when I felt the most stressed and I struggled the most were when I just felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I felt like there was somebody always ready to pounce on me, to criticise me, to... you know, however well I was doing, however well the kids were doing. There was always something... there was always somebody there and they would just pick on something.

We would have book scrutinies, and you think that you're doing a fantastic job when you're working really, really hard, and somebody's always going to pick something up. And it just makes... I mean, I won't go into details, but some of the things are so ridiculous.

It's just so frustrating because they're not saying things that are actually going to help the students' learning. For example, they' would say "you need to write certain things in the books because Ofsted might come and they might look at these things". And honestly, that's the kind of thing that I just don't agree with. And I don't think that's how we should be conducting ourselves as teachers.

But I think that was that was the difference between when my mum was teaching and when I was teaching. That feeling that people are watching over you and ready to criticise you. I don't know if other people have had this as well. Sometimes you feel like the better you are, the more they pile on you. So when you're doing really well, they just give you more work.

And if you're not doing too well, then they're just constantly monitoring you and criticising and making you feel rubbish. So it's like you can't win. You literally can't win.

One of the other things I think led to burnout was difficult relationships with other colleagues. And I'm going to say right here, right now, it was not the children. The children were brilliant, and it's never the children, in my experience, when you want to leave a school or when you can't do it anymore. It's not about the kids, it's other members of staff who can make your life really, really quite difficult. I had that situation in London, and I had it in the last school that I worked at before I left. 

I do think that if you want to feel good in a school, you need positive relationships. You need at least a few people who you feel are always on your side and who you get on really well with and who you actually want to go to school and see every day. And when you are dreading interactions with your colleagues and when you're feeling that they're just jumping on you, criticising you and making you feel bad about yourself, whether it's professionally or even personally, it's just impossible. You cannot work in that kind of situation anymore.

So my advice to people on that would be if you're finding yourself in a situation where you're stuck with some really negative relationships, get out. I really, really would. It's very, very difficult to repair bad relationships.

But if you're in a school where you get on really well with your colleagues, then cherish it because it is really, really important.

What did burnout feel like for me?

Okay, so that's what led up to me experiencing burnout. What it actually felt like for me at the time was, in a nutshell, it was panic attacks and anxiety.

The first day I was off sick, I woke up, had a panic attack, and physically could not get ready for school. I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. I called in sick and took the day off. I tried to go back again after the weekend. That day, I managed to get dressed, I got in my car, I drove out of the village that I lived in at the time, a few minutes, and started to have a panic attack while driving. Fortunately, it was a little country lane, and there were no other cars around, and I managed to just pull over and, again, just called in sick, and ended up going to the doctor that day. I was signed off sick for a couple of weeks, and then just kept extending my sick note, and literally never went back, which I don't think I had expected at the time.

It was about a month or so before Christmas, and I couldn't have imagined that I wouldn't go back before Christmas, and then after Christmas, I thought I might do it. But basically, every time I contemplated going back and try to visualise what it would look like, I had a panic attack, and that was basically my body's way of telling me that, no, that's not a good idea. You're not going back.

So that's what it felt like for me.

I went to doctors and had a sick note, and then I was just so tired. I just remember sleeping an awful lot. I mean, there were days where I would sleep to about 11 o'clock in the morning, I was just absolutely shattered. And actually leading up to that, I felt very sick all the time and had stomach pains, and just felt actually physically quite ill.

I went to the doctors, I thought maybe there was something wrong actually with my stomach, but no, it turns out it was 'just' stress and no one could ever find anything wrong, so I think that's probably what it was.

I'm talking about this, because if you recognise these things in yourself, stomach pains or feeling sick or, this might sound a bit weird, but there were times when I would think, "oh, if I break my arm, I probably won't be able to work, but I mean, it's not the most painful thing you could do". And I'm sorry, if you're ever starting to have feelings and thoughts like that, you need to really think about what's going on and remove yourself from that situation or change the situation. I mean, you don't always have to leave. It's not always the correct action for everybody. But there are certain little triggers that might make you think, maybe I'm not in the best situation here, and maybe I need to think about changing something.

Tiredness is a difficult one, because I think you're pretty much always tired as a teacher. It's a really, really tiring profession. But this was a different kind of exhausted. Like I said, once I was signed off sick, I was sleeping until 11 o'clock in the morning, which is probably not very healthy, but it was good for me because I clearly needed it.

And of course, if you're suffering from something like panic attacks, then that is a very, very, very clear sign that something is seriously wrong and needs to change. So I highly recommend trying to get some help. If you get to that point, what I do today and what I'm going to talk about in a bit is trying to work with people and help them not to get to that point, because I genuinely wouldn't wish it on anybody.
It was quite frightening, to be honest.

How I recovered from burnout - exercise, meditation and gratitude

So the way that I recovered, like I say, I slept a lot. I listened to my body and did what I needed to do.

Interestingly, I tried to do exercise. I used to always love running, and I tried to go running, and I found it gave me anxiety attacks again, because when my heart rate went up, it made me think that I was panicking, and I really struggled with that. But I went for nice walks, I went swimming, I just did things that were calming and gentle, and things that I loved doing, things that made me feel good.

I spent time with friends and family. I was quite lucky in that two of my best friends were on maternity leave at the time, so I was able to go and meet them for coffee and cake and walks and things like that. That was basically a lifesaver.

I also learnt about meditation and breathing. And I can't say I meditate religiously, but I do it whenever I can and whenever I remember to. But even just breathing exercises, bringing your awareness to the present moment and to your breath and focusing on your breath is great.

Taking a deep breath, but then making sure that your out breath is longer than your in breath because that sends a signal to your brain that you are calm and that you're okay and that everything's fine. It's quite a clever little hack, actually.

You don't have to sit with your legs crossed and your hands on your knees and with your eyes closed and do a meditation like that. The thing I find with breathing exercises, and I've been recommended a few of these by various counsellors I've had over the past few years, you can do them anytime. For example, if you're waiting for the kettle to boil and you think, well, I'm just going to actually just do five deep breaths or while I'm walking, I quite often try and focus on my breath and think about that. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical meditation pose, actually. So that's been really, really good. I find that really calming and grounding.

It's a good mindfulness practice that brings you to the present moment, so you're not dwelling on the past and you're not worrying about the future, which I find really, really helpful and useful.

Another thing that I have done in my recovery is starting a gratitude practice and focusing on positive things. I am not alone in this, but I am quite good at focusing on the negatives and complaining about bad things, which I do actually strongly believe does have a very, very important role to play in our lives. I think you need to acknowledge the full range of human emotions. I have become aware recently of the concept of toxic positivity, which is where people advocate things like gratitude practices and positivity practices and things like that, but ignoring or almost pushing away any negative feelings and negative thoughts and emotions that you have.

And I don't personally think that that's healthy. I think you need to sit with negative emotions, you need to acknowledge them, you need to be aware of them, but you need to understand that they are emotions, they are feelings, and they are thoughts, and that they don't actually define you. It is just a thought and a feeling. It's really, really difficult to differentiate sometimes between what you are feeling and what is objective reality. It is really, really difficult, but it's really worth doing the work within yourself to try to understand that.

So when I get angry now, for example, I try to think about... I acknowledge my anger, and I can say to myself, "I'm feeling angry", and then I try to understand that my anger is a feeling and it is a thought that is happening in my head, and it's not an objective reality that tells me anything really about the world. I mean, I might be angry about the state of the world, but again, it's my response and it's my reaction and it's my feelings.

I actually only do this gratitude practice once a week. Some people do this every single day. Some people do it maybe less than once a week. There'll be times when I'm like, oh, I'm so tired, I've had such a difficult week, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I just think, okay, what am I grateful for? And I find it really helps to reframe everything a bit.

What self-care means to me

Other things that I have done to recover from burnout include self-care, which is not having a bath and lighting a candle, as a lot of people think, there are so many elements to self-care for me. Sometimes it's just taking some time for myself, doing things that I enjoy doing. I love reading, so if I can just sit and read for half an hour, it makes me very happy.

Or going for walks, going swimming, you know, just the kinds of things that make me feel refreshed and calm and happy.

To think back to what I was like before my burnout, there were some things that I did, but I didn't really understand how much you need time to yourself, and how important it is to just have a break and to rest. It's not even necessarily about sleep, it's about resting. Just switching your brain off and resting.

If I could recommend anything to anybody, if you find yourself in a position where you're feeling close to burnout, or unfortunately if you have got to the point where you've burnt out, that you need to allow your body to rest, and you need to take care of yourself. And if that is having a bath and lighting a candle, then that's what you want to do, that's absolutely fine. I'm not saying you're not allowed to do that as part of your self-care, but it's not just about that. There is a lot more to self-care than that.

Another thing that is part of self-care for me is boundaries. I'm currently recording this on a Sunday afternoon, but that's because I want to. I do not work when I don't want to. Admittedly, I'm really lucky that I now work for myself and I can pick and choose to a certain extent. I mean, I have to work around a toddler now, so I don't get a huge amount of choice about when I work, but having some autonomy over when you work and what you do and having that boundary to go, do you know what, it's a really nice afternoon and it's a Sunday and I'm just going to go outside and enjoy the sunshine with my family or friends or whoever, or by myself. I'll go for a walk by myself in the sun. Those kind of boundaries are really, really important.

Email boundaries, things like that. Not answering emails at the weekend if you don't want to. But not feeling guilty about it if you do want to.

I have to get my week planned ahead on a Sunday. It just clears my head, makes me feel like, right, I know what I'm going to be doing now for this week. But I know not everybody is like that. You know, some people just don't need that, and they're quite happy and just say, right, I'm going to have a day off on Sunday and I'm not going to do anything at all.

So it's about your own boundaries. You can't copy someone else's self-care or boundaries. You've got to think about your own and create your own.

Hopefully this has been helpful!

So, there we go!

That is a bit of a background on my own situation. I felt a little bit nervous about talking about it, but hopefully it's helpful.

I just want people to not go through what I went through, if it can be possibly avoided, because genuinely I would not recommend it to anybody. I mean, I have to say, in hindsight, I'm much happier now doing what I'm doing, but I kind of wish I hadn't had to get to that point where I couldn't leave my house without having a panic attack. So yeah, I've made lemonade out of lemons, but I just feel like if you don't have to get to that point, it's probably better to be able to recognise the signs of burnout and to understand the kinds of things you can do to help yourself.

The things I talked about in my recovery, like the gratitude, the meditation, breathing, are very much things you can do before you get to that point. If you're starting to feel yourself being stressed, these are tools that you can use to hopefully prevent yourself from getting to that point that I got to.